Updated: Mar 5, 2020
What makes your heart come alive? Then go and do that. Not everyone can answer that question though. Why? It depends largely, if not totally on the story we have lived in and are still living in.
A Poet once wrote:
'Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die,
life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams go,
life is a barren field frozen with snow'.
When i first read this short but penetrating poem, it was like a laser beam had cut right to the essence of my heart and of my story. For i knew well that i had to have integrity to admit that i was like a broken winged bird that had tried to fly into a bigger story many times but was not able to. I could relate so deeply to looking over the landscape of facing the pain that my life had been a barren field frozen with snow.
I was in a long season of disorientation. My whole being felt like I had fallen into a hole in the ground after nearly a year in Nepal working with a grassroots mission. The hole was very dark, very silent and suffocatingly small and I had no idea of how to climb out of this deep hole of lacerating disorientation. A disturbing cacophony of voices churned and shouted within my inner being all claiming to be the voice of reality. It actually felt in my core that I was collapsing from within. After a true shepherd and spiritual father climbed into the hole to help me climb out after about three years, I emerged.
Standing on what felt shaky shifting ground I felt summoned to an inner transformation, to cross over from one identity to another. When the cold winds of crisis blow into our lives, these winds often call us to a new pathway in our spiritual journey to confront the false self or selves in order to find and live out of our authentic self.
In other words, the cold winds of crisis we realise is the voice of God calling us home to our true authentic identity in Christ. It is nothing external like family, or cultural norms or education or occupation or money, or status that transform us. We have to take an inner journey to face the false self that has been shaped, even by those external 'norms' including the church.
What makes my heart come alive? I finally allowed that question to be like a surgeons scalpel in the hand's of the One who made me for Himself. I knew somewhere deep that I had to live the question. I began a journey to go and find my truest self which was hidden in my deepest wounds, but there was a Wounded Healer who walked with me. Jesus. For that is often where our deepest calling for others lays, hidden in our deepest pain. It is a fierce challenge, but worth the journey. I knew that I must not compromise the person being born, I had to take the Quest.